I am most nervous for applying for honors because daily I go back and forth between whether or not I am good whether or not I could "do that" whether or not I will be rejected, and how that will affect me, etc. I don't know. I keep looking for assurance in other people, which is not attractive. Today I saw my favorite painting professor and she said "don't worry" as in, "don't worry, just apply and see what happens" but of course I took it as, she thinks I will make it. And i got excited but now Im looking at my stuff and I just hate it all. And I can't even call myself an artist cause I can't handle that responsibility right now. I feel like when I'm out of college it'll still be easier to say "Art Major" or "Art Student." I guess it seems pretty trivial, but it really kind of plagues me. I should have done something tonight after all my essays, but I sat here and just kept getting more drawn into myself. Don't you hate that? I'm always doing things that I know will depress me in the end, but they are usually just easier than going outside and getting cold, or having to wait for the car to heat up, or worrying about Junebug in her crate. This is my life and these are my worries. I'm the luckiest girl in the world, without sarcasm. I hope I make it into honors. I really love volunteering for the student gallery, but I don't like being involved in uber critical conversation about other people's work. I don't always understand why something isn't beautiful the way its supposed to be. That is why I always worry I am just getting used to the things I cannot do well, and making them beautiful in my mind. I just hope I make it into honors. I am going to bed, but I think I want to be a Quaker without going to meetings. Is that possible? I have a lot of questions, but I like that they call each other "friend" and I like their testimony of plainness. They are interesting people, but there are lots of interesting people. There's something to be said for those who can stick to a religion their whole life. I feel like I've bounced around, sticking to bits of information that I like, and interpreting things so they mean more to my life. I ate all my oranges tonight and my last apple. Tomorrow is an early day and a late night. Friday is my last day of work. This is my life, and I hope I get into honors.